Relatively Monica

To the doctor who gasped, made a face and said they were the worst stretch marks he’d ever seen, while giving me a breast exam:⁣
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Sure, I use to let comments like yours “put me in my place”. I use to be sad because I couldn’t remember what my tummy looked like before being 16 and pregnant. I use to look at women with perfect toned skin after also having 4 babies and thought “Why can’t I have a “normal” body like hers?”. I used to hide my stomach from the people closest to me.⁣
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Then I stopped thinking those thoughts and replaced them with MY truth.⁣
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These marks aren’t scars to be ashamed of. They are incredible reminders of what my body has been capable of. I am grateful for the strength that I developed while accumulating these beautiful lines, like my own unique tattoo. Each one is part of a story. My story. My kids’ story. ⁣
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I took 1,680 injections into this tummy during my pregnancies so that I could carry the beautiful babies that were housed there. I earned these marks. ⁣
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I also realized that there are women out there who want to have stretch marks like mine and it put thinks into perspective.⁣
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So, doctor with terrible bedside manner… what I would say to you now is “Yeah, I’m pretty badass, huh?”⁣
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I haven’t worn a bikini in 20 years. The only time I wore one, was the first summer my parents let me, when I was 15. I’ve made a promise to myself that this year will be the year I don’t hide. I will be wearing a bikini this summer and I’m going to rock the heck out of it. ⁣
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Women’s bodies are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. If you do anything for yourself this year, let it be learning how to be comfortable in your skin.⁣
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Peace, Love & Stretch Marks⁣
-M⁣
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Anxiety. Say it out loud if you feel it. If you give it a name, you can take back its power over you and give that power back to yourself, where it belongs. ⁣
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It’s ok to say “I have anxiety.” It’s ok to feel all the emotions you feel. ⁣
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My kids hear me say “I’m a little anxious and I just need a minute”. We can all tell I’m frazzled so it helps me take a breath and reset. It also shows them that being anxious doesn’t mean you’re broken. It’s just an emotion, even though it feels overwhelming sometimes. ⁣
If I’m at the store and I start to get that anxious feeling because crowds aren’t my thing, I will say to myself “I’m anxious right now, but it won’t last.”⁣ It’s a good reminder that I can relax.
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When I’m meeting new people and stuttering all over the place and my ears start ringing so I talk really loud and fast because I can’t hear myself (anxiety does that to me)… In a moment of honesty, I may choose to say “I get a little anxious meeting new people.” and someone usually says “Me too!!” and that really takes pressure off. ⁣
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Next time you get anxious, call it. Say it out loud to yourself, your kids or to your partner. This has made a huge difference in my life because when you name your big emotion, it makes it seem much smaller.⁣
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Love. Peace. Anxiety. ⁣😉

• M

Thorne wanted to bring little toys to the beach and I’m all “It’s just a quick trip, do you have to?” “If we lose them in the water, you’re going to cry buckets of tears and I will have to listen to it for like ever and then I will say to myself – I knew we shouldn’t have brought the little toys.”⁣
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Then I take a breath and realize it’s my anxiety talking because of other things going on in my day. ⁣
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He took the toys. He was happy. I was happy seeing him happy. He didn’t lose them in the ocean.⁣
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It’s important to take a breath and just let them play. It can be hard to remember to do that when everything is so busy and we are are just trying to get from A to B and back around to C like every day is a race where we are working toward that finish line. ⁣
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Maybe it’s just me, and that’s ok… but I recognize I need to make an effort to slow down and just let the kids be kids as much as they can because we all know what they are in store for when they grow up….adulthood leaves little time to play.

Let them play. We need to play too.
-M

The past year was rough. I was married and divorced (in that order). I have lived in a huge house and a tiny one. I’ve felt love and I’ve felt abuse.⁣
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At one point I didn’t care whether or not I woke up, and with my worst blood clot to date, I almost didn’t. I stood up for myself and I also shrank myself down so someone else could feel superior. I gained 20lbs and I lost 15…and gained 5 more. I ate healthy as a practicing vegan but I also binge-ate my feelings until I almost puked. ⁣
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I quit practicing self care but then learned to start working on myself again and how important that is. I lost my confidence and I gained it back. I had a wonderful year in business after I regained my strength to rebuild it. I’ve done the work on myself in the last 6 months, necessary for personal growth. I’ve praised God during both the highs and the lows even when all I could mutter was “Thank you, Jesus” over and again. I wondered “how can this be happening to me” and also have felt blessed beyond words and both brought tears to my eyes.⁣ ⁣

I’ve learned that friends can be more like family than family. I had my strength tested regularly and I am here to tell you that I am resilient. I lost my voice for a while but also sang to the top of my lungs. I felt safe and I also felt scared. At times I felt like I was nailing this parenting thing and other times felt like I was royally failing at being a mom. ⁣
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Maybe I cried more than I laughed, but do you know what? I’m just so darn glad to be alive for another day. I didn’t feel that way by June 2019, though. It’s taken a lot of introspection to grow back the pieces of me that were lost or taken this year and I still have work left to do. ⁣
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We are all here for a purpose. I am here for a purpose. To live life on purpose. To help others not feel so friggin alone when going through stuff in their own lives. To help empower other humans. To help people believe in themselves even if it’s just telling them what you see in them that makes them special. We should all strive to be more intentional.

I didn’t go what I’ve been through in my life not to share what I’ve learned. Maybe it seems to “powerful” to say at 36 that I have wisdom to share, but I don’t know what else to call it. We are all given wisdom to help others, I believe.

2020 will be a year of growth and discovery and is a welcomed breath of fresh life. I’ve walked many miles and I’m ready to walk many many more and stand with others in their pain and celebrate their accomplishments.

This next part of my life I plan to be intentional in all aspects. There will be a lot of singing and sunsets and fog and all the things I love and refuse to take for granted. It’s a time of healing and forgiveness and grace. I’m going to write a lot, smell all the lavender, take pictures and listen to my children laugh as much as I can.

I want to feel warm sun and cool fall evenings, have deep conversations and light-hearted laughter. I’m going to feel all the feelings, appreciate people’s differences and I want God to guide me the whole way. It’s going to be great! Cheers to 2020! 🥂

I’m an artist… in this photo, you see my reflection.
-M

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton