The past year was rough. I was married and divorced (in that order). I have lived in a huge house and a tiny one. I’ve felt love and I’ve felt abuse.
At one point I didn’t care whether or not I woke up, and with my worst blood clot to date, I almost didn’t. I stood up for myself and I also shrank myself down so someone else could feel superior. I gained 20lbs and I lost 15…and gained 5 more. I ate healthy as a practicing vegan but I also binge-ate my feelings until I almost puked.
I quit practicing self care but then learned to start working on myself again and how important that is. I lost my confidence and I gained it back. I had a wonderful year in business after I regained my strength to rebuild it. I’ve done the work on myself in the last 6 months, necessary for personal growth. I’ve praised God during both the highs and the lows even when all I could mutter was “Thank you, Jesus” over and again. I wondered “how can this be happening to me” and also have felt blessed beyond words and both brought tears to my eyes.
I’ve learned that friends can be more like family than family. I had my strength tested regularly and I am here to tell you that I am resilient. I lost my voice for a while but also sang to the top of my lungs. I felt safe and I also felt scared. At times I felt like I was nailing this parenting thing and other times felt like I was royally failing at being a mom.
Maybe I cried more than I laughed, but do you know what? I’m just so darn glad to be alive for another day. I didn’t feel that way by June 2019, though. It’s taken a lot of introspection to grow back the pieces of me that were lost or taken this year and I still have work left to do.
We are all here for a purpose. I am here for a purpose. To live life on purpose. To help others not feel so friggin alone when going through stuff in their own lives. To help empower other humans. To help people believe in themselves even if it’s just telling them what you see in them that makes them special. We should all strive to be more intentional.
I didn’t go what I’ve been through in my life not to share what I’ve learned. Maybe it seems to “powerful” to say at 36 that I have wisdom to share, but I don’t know what else to call it. We are all given wisdom to help others, I believe.
2020 will be a year of growth and discovery and is a welcomed breath of fresh life. I’ve walked many miles and I’m ready to walk many many more and stand with others in their pain and celebrate their accomplishments.
This next part of my life I plan to be intentional in all aspects. There will be a lot of singing and sunsets and fog and all the things I love and refuse to take for granted. It’s a time of healing and forgiveness and grace. I’m going to write a lot, smell all the lavender, take pictures and listen to my children laugh as much as I can.
I want to feel warm sun and cool fall evenings, have deep conversations and light-hearted laughter. I’m going to feel all the feelings, appreciate people’s differences and I want God to guide me the whole way. It’s going to be great! Cheers to 2020! 🥂
I’m an artist… in this photo, you see my reflection.
-M
Relatively Monica 